Sometimes I just want to curl up in a ball and cry, but then I remembered.. I have this blog! Why keep my feelings to myself when they probably can relate to all you guys as well! So, this post. I'm pretty sure if you are a teenage girl, you've done this at some point in your life, or are doing it right now.
I'm just so tired of wishing for things to happen, because they never do. I've been wishing for the same thing since the beginning of my freshman year, and for two years now I've been rejected. And what do I do? I'm trying again this year. Why? I don't know. I'll just get rejected again. And I'll have to feel that horrible pain again. I don't want to feel it again.
That pain is from a broken dream. This post is mainly about guys, which are also broken dreams, but in a different way.
This has been a problem of mine for five years now, falling for guys who would never fall for me. It's a curse. With each new guy, I think-
"He's so nice and talks to me all the time."
"He walks with me in the halls."
"Maybe he likes me too."
And with the most recent guy..
"He asked to dance with me at the Mardi Gras Dance."
"He asked for my number."
Those are all facts with every guy I've liked, except for the last two which was only with one guy. But with every guy, I think this IS fact, but it never is-
"He's different."
None of them were different, my hopeful side just told me they were. I was invisible to them, a girl to talk to when they have no one else, a girl to get homework or gum off of, just a girl, no one special. I need to get that through my freaking thick head. None of them ever cared about me, no matter how much I wanted to believe it.
With every guy I have the same thought, "Maybe he'll be the one." Yeah, or maybe not. Most likely not. Definitely not. He'd never love someone like you, why were you so stupid and naive?
I think we've all been in this position, loving someone who would never love us back. But with me, it's every single freaking time I try.
I don't know what's wrong with me. Am I really that ugly? Just because she told me I am so many times, I've started to believe it. Ugly. I hate that word, and I always will. Always. I want to cringe when I hear it, why? My 8th and 9th grade years were a living hell. The word ugly was present every day.
"You'll never be good enough."
"No guy will ever like you."
"You're such a loser."
"Everyone hates you."
"You're so ugly."
All of those phrases have been pounded into my head over the years, and now I finally believe them. And the worst part is, I can't tell anyone the whole story. They'd all think I'm crazy, delusional. They'd send me to a mental hospital. The only person who would understand is the girl who went through it with me, and me and her don't even talk anymore.
Sometimes I think, if I had a speck of self confidence, would a guy actually like me? Would this guy like me more if I was confident in my self?
I don't know. Even if it's true that "guys like confident girls," it's too late for me. My confidence was destroyed a long time ago. I just smile and lie.
I've been waiting for love. Everyone else has boyfriends who tell them they are beautiful and that they love them every single day. Do you know what I'd give for a guy to call me beautiful? For a guy I love to love me back? For a guy to hug and kiss me goodbye? What's wrong with me?
I've made such a fool of myself over a guy in the past, tried my best to get his attention or even friendship. And, I'm done wising for him. He'll never notice me, no matter what I do. I'll never be good enough for him. One of my favorite quotes from Pretty Little Liars-
"You know what they say about hope, it breeds eternal misery."
It's like every time I start to get my hopes up, it all goes wrong. Maybe you could relate to this post some how, hopefully you could, or else this is just a really depressing post. I'd just love to find a guy that loved me for me, not someone I try to be. Or, love me at all for that matter.
People say love is the greatest feeling in the world. I want to feel it. I want to know why people go so far just to get love. Why is it so amazing? I just want to be in love, and someone love me back.
If this whole post was a Facebook status from a girl at my school, it would be this-
"I'm fu*king done."
And it's true, I'm done. Done trying to earn his approval, his attention. Because no matter how hard I try, he'll never notice me. I'm done wishing for him. I'm so tired of feeling this pain. As long as I have my books, I'll be okay, I hope.
Maybe one of you could relate to this. And if you did, know you aren't alone.
& today, I turned in my story for english class. It only HAD to be 2 pages, but I wrote 6 and a half pages. You know what the kids did?
They made fun of me.
Yeah, you'll be laughing when/if I'm a published author.
But, on the bright side, I got my permit today! Woo! Bye guys <3
