I'm not a very good writer, but I'm an excellent rewriter. ~James Michener

It's Saturday, NaNoWrimo Day 5! A day for tons of writing and relaxation from school! Too bad I work today from 3-5.. I hope I can just stay home for the rest of the day after that.

So I have a little less than 7k done of my book. I hope to get at least 10k done by tonight, and around 13k tomorrow.
I said my original goal was 25k, but I cheated and wrote 4k before November 1st, so I raised my goal to 29k, and now I think I'm trying to head more towards 50k. Will I do it? Maybe, probably not, but it's fun to hope and strive for it anyway! If I make it past 29k, I'll be proud of myself. If I made it to 50k, I might just have to go buy myself a present.

This is my first year of NaNo, so it's all new to me. People keep saying, "WRITE NOW, EDIT LATER!"

I. Can't. Do. That. 

I sit down at my computer and start typing away, then after I do a few paragraphs, that little voice in my head goes "Okay, you better go back and fix these couple paragraphs up and make them better, because you know they suck." 

And that little voice and the urge to go back and edit WON'T SHUT UP! Like, if I know there's mistakes, I have to go back in fix them. I just can't leave them there. Because you know what happens when I do that? The little voice keeps on talking!

"That last paragraph was terrible. There was dialogue there? Sorry, I fell asleep! You want to be a professional author? HA! If one of your idols like Sara Shepard, Markus Zusak, Richelle Mead, Lauren Oliver, or Sarah Ockler saw this, what would they say, Paige?

EW." 

Yeah, I'm really hard on myself. 

I'm in that whole stage of self doubt. Like when I look back at my writing, I KNOW it's not as good as I want it to be. 

I heard all writers go through this stage, and it takes a while to get out of it and actually be good. Slowly, I think I'm crawling out of it.

-The first book I wrote but didn't finish- Completely terrible.

-The second book I wrote and actually finished- Bad.

-The third book I wrote but didn't finish- Just average, Not good but not terrible. 

-The fourth book I wrote but didn't finish- A little above average, tilting toward the better side. (This is the one I just retired that some of you said you actually really liked and earned me my own personal best rank on Inkpop, Flawed.)

Then now, I'm on the fifth book I've started, I'm worried I won't get any better than the fourth book, Flawed, because I'm stressed with a deadline. 

But you know, if I really want to be an author, I better get used to it. 

Even though I am really hard on myself, I can truthfully say that I have definitely improved since July 2010 since I began writing my first book on the computer. I'm proud of that, I just wish I could improve faster, you know?

My Bloggie friend Taylor Lynn did a post about NaNo today, and put this video on hers. It's completely true and totally applies to me. I'm glad I'm not the only one going through it. 

Ira Glass on Storytelling from David Shiyang Liu on Vimeo.

No body told me I was going to completely suck at first. If someone told me that, honestly, I wouldn't have started writing. So, I'm glad no one told me and I figured it out on my own.

Sometimes I wonder if my biggest writing idols mentioned above, went through a stage like this. Did they start writing at a young age like all us NaNo's and suck at a time? Or were they just born good? If I could ask any of those authors some questions, that would definitely be a question.

My Freshman English teacher once told me, "The best way to get better at writing, is reading." 
I think that's really true. But I have also heard that to get better at writing, the most important thing is to WRITE, WRITE, WRITE!

So I guess NaNo will be a positive influence on my improvement progress, I'll just be ripping my hair out on the way.
The quote I used as a title for this post, "I'm not a very good writer, but I'm an excellent rewriter," Is like it was made for me. That's me right there, the re-writer.

My best work comes from rewriting. You guys remember that prologue I posted of my NaNo Novel a while back? Do you guys know how many times I had go read through it and change it? I lost count. The first time I wrote that prologue, it was nothing like it is here.. I've even changed it since then!

So my other Bloggie friend Qui, (who I've mention in like the last 3 posts..) did some NaNo related questions for us participants to answer on her blog!

1. At this point in your novel, is it turning out the way you want it to? So far, about 7k in, yes. It's going as planned. I even did part of an outline, something I'm usually totally against.

2. Have your characters had any big turning points yet? Heck yes! Pretty much, without this turning point, I wouldn't even have a story. So, it's a big one that happens to Faye. And what happens to Faye affects Alice majorly.

3. Have any of your characters met their specific other in the book yet? Well, not really. They know of each other, and at this point they aren't very fond of each other. The boy character actually hates his significant other character(Alice) at first, and he hates her even more after what happens to Faye.

4. What are your future goals for your novel this month (besides word goals)? Improvement, major improvement and progress is my goal. I hope to actually make this book successful and exciting too. I don't want it to go downhill in the middle like Flawed and most of my other books did.

-Caffinated drinks consumed: 0 (I hate coffee and usually don't drink pop that often)
-Nyquils taken: 0
-Breakdowns: 0.5
-Episodes of Writer's Block: 1
-Procrastination- >10
-Listening to: Florence + The Machine, Coldplay, Lady Gaga.


 

Jealousy- an easy disease to catch

We all have the people in our lives who are good at EVERYTHING. They are attractive, they're good at everything they try, they make good grades, they can date whoever they want, and they're popular. 

There are so many girls in my school that are so beautiful, and they don't even have to try. I wish I was as lucky as them. They can come to school with no makeup on, their hair in a messy bun (which I hate), wearing sweatpants or yoga pants ,and hoodies all the time, but still look amazing and have a totally cute boyfriend and tons of friends.

HOW?! 

The girls like that are complete bitches jerks to other people too. If you aren't in their clique, then they are so mean to you. 

Like there's this girl at my dance academy. She is totally amazing at dance and is favored by the teachers, has tons of friends and is super popular at school, looks good without even trying, and has a cute boyfriend. And, she's a jerk with her own little jerk clique.

I try not to be jealous of people, but I am somewhat of her. I'm sure she has tons of inner problems and conflicts but on the outside and for the most part, her life seems so perfect and fun. Why can't mine be like that?

I have this one girl who is actually my friend, she is perfect at school. She doesn't even try. She doesn't do any of the homework, doesn't study, misses a lot of school, and sleeps during lectures, but still gets amazing grades! I have to work my butt off to achieve what I do, and it's still lower than her.

This is what I feel like doing during school. I don't even understand half the crap we are learning, and it is making me so stressed out that I just want to rip up everything.

Like today, we had a math test. I studied, thought I understood it, then the test was extremely hard and I blanked. So, I didn't get to finish the test and my teacher wouldn't give me more time to finish on Monday. So, I failed. I was literally about to cry.

This is basically my math situation-

That's pretty much exactly how it goes. In class, the problems we do are super easy, then homework is hard, and the test is impossible.

BUT, of course the girl who can make perfect grades without even trying understands all of it. Why is it so easy for her?

The other day she called me stupid just because I didn't understand the Chemistry as quickly as she did. Uhm. I made Honor Role, I'm not that stupid. Just because something doesn't click for me right away doesn't mean I'm dumb. 

(I'm sorry I'm rambling, I'm just really angry at life right now.) 

This picture seems really true. From my point of view, the sluts get the best romances. It's so annoying. I don't think the guy one is very true though, I personally like nice guys better. But hey, I'm not a guy so I don't know what they are thinking. 

I wish I could get whatever guy I wanted, that would be so wonderful. There's always those girls the guys just flock to and always want to be around. I mean, they're usually sluts and guys only want them for their body, but they're still lucky to have all the attention. They just have that personality that attracts guys. Why can't I have that? 

I just wish I could find a guy who liked me back for who I am and actually thinks I'm pretty too. Why is that so hard for me? How can those perfect girls seem to be so happy with their boyfriends that they can get so easily? 

Story of my life.

I was reading my friend Qui's blog, and she did a post where she told the first sentence of her NaNo Novel, and that sentence is, "I hate it when people say, 'Imperfect is perfect.'" 

People do say that all the time just to try and raise our confidence. But I agree with Qui, I hate it when people say that, because it's not true in most cases. Society favors perfect people, not the weird and unique ones. 

Yeah, it's important to me unique and all that, but you guys know what I mean. It just makes me angry. 

So, the overall point of this post is just that even though I try not to get jealous, I do. It's so easy to wish you had what someone else has. Or to wish you were as good as someone as something. Life isn't fair, I guess.

Yes, I know all those seemingly perfect people have problems and worries just like we all do, but they seem to have a much easier ride than me. I know this post was mostly complaining too, but hey, complaining is what I do. It's my third favorite hobby. (Behind reading and writing. Yes, I consider complaining a hobby.) 

Hopefully some of you guys can relate to this. I'm just so sick of holding in all my anger about this, so why not turn it into a post? At least one of you should be able to relate... leave me some comments, let me know I'm not alone here.